To See, Even In This, Light

Tonight I was working through one of my negative thoughts with one of my friends. I say work "through" because it seems at times as if I go through it, and it's over, I've traveled past, it is no more.

So afterwards I wrote down about how peaceful I felt. And then these words came to me, asking me to write them down (that experience you hear writers speak of so often, that the words, or the character, or story "asks" to be written down)....so here they are...

"When I want peace I look to my negative thoughts...I bring light to them and expose them as the lies they really are...and a lie exposed to light can only transform into truth and become light."

This is probably the most peaceful thought that I ever wrote in my entire life.

In science they have learned that energy can never be destroyed. It can only be transformed into something else, such as another type of energy or into matter, for example.

I believe our thoughts and emotions are energy too. And they cannot be destroyed...they can only be transformed into something other than what they were before. So many times healing doesn't take place because we are taught that things like hurt and anger are bad so we push it down and hide (because we don't know what else to do with it) and we pretend that it is no longer there. "I'm fine. I don't care." So I find it magical during those times when I can bring that hurt or anger forward into the light, and bring love to it, breathe onto it to bring the spark and glow of love that is hidden inside into a small ember. To see it transform, for the light to grow and transform and become larger. To become hope, a seed of hope, and then to grow into love.

Mmm...mixing metaphors. I'm tired and it must be time to sleep...a warm, peaceful sleep.

Game of Love?

Today I tried my hand at creating my first downloadable, digital collage art sheet for people to use in their art collage, scrapbooking, cardmaking, etc. and try to list it for sale at etsy.com and shophandmade.com. I priced it for a teeny bit less at shophandmade since they don't charge me anything to list with them (for now anyway).

The idea for it is based on some vintage Bingo cards I have. But instead of saying Bingo, these say LUCKY, DREAM, ADORE, and SWEET on them instead of BINGO. All four "cards" come on one jpg image 8 1/2 by 11 inch in size.

Kinda cute, neh? Would be nice for Valentine's Day maybe. I'll have to try making some altered art collage or something with them myself.

I have some ink jet transparency sheets that are meant to be used with overhead projectors. I'm thinking of maybe printing this out onto that and doing something creative that way. But I don't know for sure what I'll do. But whatever it is, it will be ingenious, I tell you, or my name isn't Ebenezer...uhm, well my name isn't that...never mind.

From Weirdness to Healthness

Once upon a time I got sick with mono. And for quite awhile after that (for a few months) I would often wake up and be so physically exhausted and in pain (feeling like I'd been hit by a large truck) that I would literally wonder how I was going to get out of bed just so I could pee. (You become determined enough that you decide to crawl, and you do it slowly.) And I've never been the same since.

When you are someone who begins to have weird health problems that the medical community seems unable to help you with you start being willing to try weird things to get better. It's an act of desperation. It's an act of courage. Sometimes it's an act of faith. It's an act that can also give you empowerment as you take control of your health rather than handing it over to someone else (aka the doctors or anyone else you may have given it over too...including some quacks who got you to try some "bad" weird things for your health). And surprisingly some of these "weird" things actually help where the medical field could not.

Right now I am drinking "flax seed tea." I have no idea whether it will help, but it certainly won't hurt. I haven't strained the flax seeds out, so some of the seeds float to the top as I drink...the heated water has made them slippery. And I am doing some chewing of slippery seeds as well as sipping "tea."

Okay, a lot of the things that I have tried to improve my health that have actually helped really aren't that weird. Improving my nutrition has helped dramatically. Things like taking extra zinc, magnesium, vitamin C, etc. have had amazing results. So it's only kind of weird in that your doctor probably isn't going to tell you to take these things for things like anxiety, sleep disorders, muscle ache, etc. But they might.

I did try a "cleansing program" from Isagenix (yes, the same program which bestselling authors that Jack Canfield of Chicken Soup for the Soul fame and John Gray of Men are from Mars, Women from Venus fame are big advocates of), which always induced what is known in alternative medicine as a "healing crisis" (a sort of "you temporarily get worse right before you get better). And I realized if I were to be on a cleansing program I needed to be on a gentler one. But I have stuck with their "meal replacement drink" because it is so chockful of nutrients that really seem to benefit me. This is what "saved me" and made so I was finally able to get out of my bed after my bout with mono. And everytime I stopped taking their drink (or something equivalent to it in the kinds of vitamins and minerals it has) my health would take an immediate nosedive, almost back to how it was when I first got so sick I could barely move and get out of bed.

I try to get "friendly bacteria" such as lactobacillus acidophilus from things like yogurt...yogurt is considered more normal than it used to be. So in order to be more weird I will also consume such things as Kefir. I also found a really great tasting mint-chocolate bar that has probiotics in it and no milk/dairy. I've even dared try kombucha on a couple occasions. *shudders just a little*

I've done yoga and seen chiropractors and got some good results by doing these. I've learned a little about Ayurveda (the traditional medicine from India) and will do a sort of self massage called abhyanga which is surprisingly very helpful to me and so I should do it more often.

One of the weirdest things I have done that I swear actually helps me is called oil swishing, where you basically swish something like sesame seed oil in your mouth like mouth wash...but for twenty long minutes. I'll be the first to admit that it's really weird. But hey, if it works for me then it's worth it. (I can't believe it does all the things that many people claims it does...but I can't know that it doesn't either.) Almost all oils have anti-bacterial properties (some even have anti-viral properties) which may be one of the reasons why it helps.

Not everything I've done I've done has been on the physical level though either. Some of it has been more on the mental level. I've done hypnosis, visual relaxation techniques, positive affirmation, writing in a journal. Awhile back I started doing something to release negative thoughts/feelings called the Sedona Method which then led to my doing a method called The Work which has led to amazing transformations emotionally and mentally...which then has had an effect on me physically. Letting go of the mental stress (or having the mental stress let go of me) has resulted in my muscles letting go of years of habitual tension. Which frees up so much energy that I'm less tired and able to do other things.

I take time to research the things I try...especially the weirder ones...for things like safety and effectiveness.

It's been an interesting experience over the years, learning and trying new things. Seeing what works and what doesn't. And experience how amazing it is to find something that actually improves my level of health.

I still am not "normal" but I am better. And I believe I am continuing to climb up to better levels. I've always been sick my entire life...for example as a child sore throats were often something I experienced for a week or two almost every month. But it wasn't until I was practically incapacitated in my adult years that I realized how much I took health for granted. I wonder if someday I'll truly experience "good health." But I'm learning to at least appreciate and even enjoy the journey, even if I never completely arrive at that particular destination.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These...

When I feel blue, looking at something such as these fabric bolts that I took a picture of from a local store gives me a sense of serenity. I'll browse through blogs, online stores, or home decor magazines for pictures that evoke the same feeling that these do for me. The light pinks and blues, the florals, the toiles...all evoke a tender, sweet, longing, yearning inside me that is somehow comforting.

It makes me feel somewhat like I imagine it would be to float in the clouds and sky. Angelic maybe. All I know it I look at such things and feel peaceful and pure and sweet.
These colors and patterns of stripes and florals, this is heaven to me.

This makes me feel that I am somewhere close to my "house of belonging." The house of belonging is a Celtic metaphor for the body of the soul, or "the deep peace and feeling of safety, joy and contentment found in intimate connections with people, places, and houses." (quoted from Sarah Ban Breathnach.)

Poet John O'Donahue says, "When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. You are warm and sheltered. You are completely at one in the house of your own longing and belonging."

I guess these things are reminders to me, calling me to remember to come home to the house of my own longing and belonging.

So Fake...

I've been thinking a lot about how it seems more and more common for people, especially girls, to accuse others of being "fake" and to be really ticked off at others for being fake.

When I first started hearing girls calling others "fake" if you were to ask me if I thought I was fake I would have thought, "No I'm not fake." But through self-reflection, digging down and examining my thoughts, and scrutinizing my motivations and intentions for why I do certain things...I'd have to be honest and say...yes, I am fake.

I always knew I wasn't being fully "authentic" or "true to myself" but never equated that with being fake...but if you aren't being authentic or true to yourself...then how can you be anything else but fake?

So I wanted to write a funny and entertaining account about how I've begun to realize how fake I also can be....but as I tried to give examples of ways I've realized I can be fake it only began to deteriorate into a "poor me" and "pity me" kind of thing. :)

Hearing me whining about something I am the cause of isn't very entertaining. Well, I can't promise to be entertaining, but at least I won't whine (much).

Basically it boils down to this...

Underneath a sweet, nice, quiet girl image that I apparently subconsciously like to project (although I probably at times make the conscious decision to be that way too)...I am selfish, loud, and overtly obnoxious and extremely annoying.

I do *a lot* of things subconsciously to hide the fact that I am obnoxious and annoying. In fact, deep down I feel I could just be the most obnoxious and annoying person you have ever met. If you know me you have probably caught glimpses of my obnoxious self, but you may have little inkling to the true extent of my obnoxiousness.

I also have a secret longing to be loud. Very loud. I'm louder than I used to be. But there have been many occasions that I spoke so softly no one ever heard a word I said, all in order to project a nice girl image. Being loud relates to the obnoxious and annoying aspect of me that I hide with my fake self. Oh how I long to let loose and just be one of the loudest and most obnoxious people you have ever met.

Another thing I've discovered that I hide with my fake self is I am a jerk.

I discovered this in what I think is an interesting way. I've heard it said that if there is something you dislike about someone, it's probably something you dislike about yourself that you are not admitting to. But also that if there is something you admire about someone, that it is probably something about yourself you have not yet discovered.

So, there was this guy I kept being attracted to. Handsome, and overall a good guy....but I also kept being really annoyed by him at times, thinking, "This guy can really be a jerk!" So I decided to use this as an opportunity for self-discovery and self-improvement and tried to see where I too was being a jerk to others and didn't like that about myself. But I wasn't really getting anywhere, although doing this sort of exercise has helped me a lot in the past to diffuse negative feelings. Until it finally dawned on me that this was something I secretly was *admiring* about this guy...not something I entirely disliked. Part of me was actually Jealous that this guy was so comfortable about being a jerk.

A part of me would like to discard my carefully constructed"nice girl" image (which is not to say "who I a really am" is a mean girl, but I do subconsciously put on an exaggerated nice girl act) and not go through the anxiety of having to watch every single word I say, not tiptoe around other people's feelings at the expense of my own, to not worry that my sense of humor is going to offend someone, etc, etc, etc.

And gosh darnit, I'd really like to stop hiding the selfish aspect of myself. To stop feeling like if I eat a second helping of at dinner or having a second piece of desert that everyone is going to be mad at me, and cry endlessly at my utter selfishness.

So when you look at me, please be aware that I too am fake. It's not just those girls you see on America's Next Top Model that try to fervently point out how fake the other is, while never recognizing how they behave in the exact same manner. Or those high school girls that you look back upon in your memory with hurt in your heart. Or those guys you've dated over the years (or if you're a guy, the girls you dated). I'm as fake as any of them. The only difference may be that I am telling it to you straight, rather than insisting I am not.

They say the first step to changing any problem is to admit to it. So there it is. And hey, I did it with only a little bit of whining about poor me. ;)

Maybe the next time we meet I'll be a little less fake. And maybe you'll be willing to put up with some of my obnoxiousness, because at least it will be authentic.

New Year's Day Transformations

So today one of my sister's and I continued the theme of New Year's day being one of change by playing a unique board game called The Transformation Game. This is a game that helps you gain insight, solve problems, reflect, and so on. You start the game by choosing an issue in your life that you want to focus on, whether it be relationships, finances, your spiritual growth, etc. This becomes your "playing focus." And as you play you draw cards that may say various things and you ponder how it may relate to your playing focus.

I was really sleepy, so I didn't get as much from it today as I have from other times. But still I received some insight as I pondered over things. It's a fun way to look at your troubles as it puts it into a game format, so they don't seem quite so intimidating as they otherwise might. And it's really interesting what associations your mind can come up with when faced with some words a card drawn at random gives you. It's a creative process that unblocks you from the stuck thinking you've been in.

I believe there are actually "life coaches" out there who use this game as a tool to help their clients achieve their goals.

We also ate pizza and more Hagen Daz ice cream and cherry limeade soda. I think I consumed more sugar yesterday and today than I did at Christmas.

Anyway, it's been a good start to a New Year.

New Year's Eve Contemplations

New Year's Eve in the past few years for me has become a time of quiet reflection. With a pint of Hagen Daz, a notebook and pen, a scented candle, and the daybook Simple Abundance I celebrate quietly and contentedly. I begin by reading the first couple pages of Simple Abundance.

It begins with a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke,
"And now let us welcome the New Year
Full of things that have never been."
And under the entry of January 1st the author, Sarah Ban Breathnach writes, "...learn to embrace the gentle yearnings of your heart...instead of resolutions write down your most private aspirations. Those longings you have kept tucked away until the times seems right. Trust that now is the time...discover day by day how to live them."

It's a good alternative to the usual resolutions that so often are not kept. To write of your dreams...with no feeling the need to kick yourself later for not "sticking to" those things you "should" be doing.

So as the hours got closer to midnight I wrote my thoughts down. What do I really long for? Could I admit it, if even only to myself?

One thing I discovered that I want for myself this year is to have a year of frivolity. Frivolity sounds so selfish. It's just not serious enough, and is too trivial. But I long for more of that frivolous, lighthearted, absolutely not essential, but just downright not taking life and myself so seriously. To be more playful and engage in delightful whimsy. Like having a spring or summer picnic amongst the wild flowers, while wearing a white cotton dress and carrying a white lace parasol, and dancing and twirling around with the butterflies flying around. To let myself do so without worrying about what others think of my being so silly. To open my heart to the sunlight not just without, but also within. That, to me, sounds truly freeing. That sounds like a fresh new year full of things that have never been to me.