So Fake...

I've been thinking a lot about how it seems more and more common for people, especially girls, to accuse others of being "fake" and to be really ticked off at others for being fake.

When I first started hearing girls calling others "fake" if you were to ask me if I thought I was fake I would have thought, "No I'm not fake." But through self-reflection, digging down and examining my thoughts, and scrutinizing my motivations and intentions for why I do certain things...I'd have to be honest and say...yes, I am fake.

I always knew I wasn't being fully "authentic" or "true to myself" but never equated that with being fake...but if you aren't being authentic or true to yourself...then how can you be anything else but fake?

So I wanted to write a funny and entertaining account about how I've begun to realize how fake I also can be....but as I tried to give examples of ways I've realized I can be fake it only began to deteriorate into a "poor me" and "pity me" kind of thing. :)

Hearing me whining about something I am the cause of isn't very entertaining. Well, I can't promise to be entertaining, but at least I won't whine (much).

Basically it boils down to this...

Underneath a sweet, nice, quiet girl image that I apparently subconsciously like to project (although I probably at times make the conscious decision to be that way too)...I am selfish, loud, and overtly obnoxious and extremely annoying.

I do *a lot* of things subconsciously to hide the fact that I am obnoxious and annoying. In fact, deep down I feel I could just be the most obnoxious and annoying person you have ever met. If you know me you have probably caught glimpses of my obnoxious self, but you may have little inkling to the true extent of my obnoxiousness.

I also have a secret longing to be loud. Very loud. I'm louder than I used to be. But there have been many occasions that I spoke so softly no one ever heard a word I said, all in order to project a nice girl image. Being loud relates to the obnoxious and annoying aspect of me that I hide with my fake self. Oh how I long to let loose and just be one of the loudest and most obnoxious people you have ever met.

Another thing I've discovered that I hide with my fake self is I am a jerk.

I discovered this in what I think is an interesting way. I've heard it said that if there is something you dislike about someone, it's probably something you dislike about yourself that you are not admitting to. But also that if there is something you admire about someone, that it is probably something about yourself you have not yet discovered.

So, there was this guy I kept being attracted to. Handsome, and overall a good guy....but I also kept being really annoyed by him at times, thinking, "This guy can really be a jerk!" So I decided to use this as an opportunity for self-discovery and self-improvement and tried to see where I too was being a jerk to others and didn't like that about myself. But I wasn't really getting anywhere, although doing this sort of exercise has helped me a lot in the past to diffuse negative feelings. Until it finally dawned on me that this was something I secretly was *admiring* about this guy...not something I entirely disliked. Part of me was actually Jealous that this guy was so comfortable about being a jerk.

A part of me would like to discard my carefully constructed"nice girl" image (which is not to say "who I a really am" is a mean girl, but I do subconsciously put on an exaggerated nice girl act) and not go through the anxiety of having to watch every single word I say, not tiptoe around other people's feelings at the expense of my own, to not worry that my sense of humor is going to offend someone, etc, etc, etc.

And gosh darnit, I'd really like to stop hiding the selfish aspect of myself. To stop feeling like if I eat a second helping of at dinner or having a second piece of desert that everyone is going to be mad at me, and cry endlessly at my utter selfishness.

So when you look at me, please be aware that I too am fake. It's not just those girls you see on America's Next Top Model that try to fervently point out how fake the other is, while never recognizing how they behave in the exact same manner. Or those high school girls that you look back upon in your memory with hurt in your heart. Or those guys you've dated over the years (or if you're a guy, the girls you dated). I'm as fake as any of them. The only difference may be that I am telling it to you straight, rather than insisting I am not.

They say the first step to changing any problem is to admit to it. So there it is. And hey, I did it with only a little bit of whining about poor me. ;)

Maybe the next time we meet I'll be a little less fake. And maybe you'll be willing to put up with some of my obnoxiousness, because at least it will be authentic.