Friday's Adventure's

(This post took forever to get up because I was having issues uploading pics from my camera to my computer.)

Today I went to the shop Affordable Treasures in the little town of Parowan to drop off my contract form for a booth/space for the flea market they will be starting there in June. The location is just behind the store where this is this crumbling old courtyard like space with lots of character and loads of potential charm.

You can see the courtyard in the picture here. The little street signs startled me when I saw them. Street signs in Parowan are really that short (about my height, so they are only about five feet or so).

The week before Ancestor Market had closed its doors for good I had mentioned to one of our customers that there was going to be a flea market starting in Parowan. It turns out she writes for the local newspaper and so she ended up writing an article about it...which I certainly encouraged her to do, because I want this to succeed...me being a buff for things like this.

So today when I walked in the door the owner, Phyllis, began thanking me for having mentioned the article to the girl who wrote it. And she thanked me again when I left. :D

I am so excited for this flea market. I have been to very few flea markets and this will be the first one where I'll go as a vendor. It is going to be a ton of hard work to get it together, but it will be worth it, I know it.

Inside Affordable Treasures they also have a little mini deli/cafe space where you can get espressos and panini sandwiches. I ordered a grilled sandwich that was made with a french roll, swiss and provolone cheese, and a sauce made with red bell peppers and think cream cheese. It was delicious. They also have Italian sodas, which I adore. So I will have to go there sometime and order one of those as well. They had an almond syrup so I think I would like to try that one, since I've had Italian sodas made with hazlenut syrup and Love those.

After leaving Affordable Treasures I went to where Ancestor Market used to be to check out what the new resident has done with the place. It is now a little sewing and knitting store called Stichin It Up. And it looks great. I should have taken pic's, but I didn't.

After I got home I decided to get around to doing some sewing I've been wanting to get done. The project I was going to work on I realized I didn't know if the fabric I had for it was pre-shrunk or not, so I washed it and while waiting for it to dry. So instead I worked on making a little vendor's apron to use for the flea market. The fabric I used was originally a curtain valance that I got for fifty cents at the local Catholic Thrift store. I just used the part where the curtain rod would have gone through to put a ribbon which makes it a drawstring waisted apron. And I made it so it has a total of six pockets.

I had no idea what I was doing, and there are some things I would have changed a bit, but I think it worked out pretty well and also turned out pretty cute.

What? Where am I?

Life has been so chaotic lately. The consignment vintage and antique store I've worked at for the past three to four years has finally closed. I had planned to spend the week before it closed organizing things at home so I'd have a place for anything I had for sale at the store that was still around. But I got sick and spent my week conserving my energy to close the store down and haul my stuff out of there. Once I hauled my stuff out of the store I took some it down to a new consignment store in town. It's a great place, but has a different clientele, so a lot of my stuff doesn't fit in there and also wouldn't sell for as much there. After that some of the stuff got unloaded into a storage shed. But the rest stayed in my van as I got sick yet again and had to recuperate from that. I finally have most of it out of the van. Everything is disorganized chaos.

Job hunting has not gone so well...especially with being sick.

I have been doing a bit more writing for eHow http://www.ehow.com/members/dreamsinbloom.html when my brain is functioning. Brain fog has not been much of a symptom with my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but this month it has very much been present. I don't exactly cherish the moments that I have brain fog as I very much come across as a ditzy blond when I do (any maybe I come across as a ditzy blond even when I am more "normal" anyway). But there are worse things in the world and as I said it's infrequent for me so it's not so bad.

I've been researching other online writing opportunities. I am going with the "shared revenue" places first because that helps me gain confidence and skills in my writing. And then I'll have a "portfolio" of my writing should I decide to pursue more freelance stuff.

And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll feel well enough to participate in the new flea market that will be in the nearby town. That will be a great way to help get rid of the extra stuff I have left over at the store.

a little collection

One of the things I collect are vintage Z.C.M.I. hangers. Okay...I only have four of them. But I would like more and keep my eye out for them. I suppose it's partly nostalgia that has me collecting them. Z.C.M.I. (which stands for Zions Cooperative Mercantile Institution) was one of the earliest department stores ever. And is a place most people who are from Utah are very familiar with. But alas it is no more. I will never shop there, or at the shopping mall of the same name, again. Of course, when I was old enough to shop at ZCMI they never had hangers like these...only the plastic kind that I can't imagine anyone every collecting.

I also like the graphic appeal of the lettering. I have one in red, with a formal style lettering, but the letters are playfully not in a straight line. Another with formal lettering but the letters light blue and are more well behaved and stay in a straight line. And two with light blue lettering in a cursive font. I wonder what other types of lettering and colors might be out there.

I like how they look with my denim jackets. I own four of those too, which to me seems like a lot of denim jackets to have, but I love them and wear them all...although there are two in particular that I wear the most...so I suppose it's not too excessive.

I never got around to mentioning that I wrote a tutorial on how to make your own custom fabric tape for Cut Out and Keep here. It's cute and simple, so check it out.

In other news, I just turned 35 this month. It seems strange to think that in just another five years I'll be forty.

More about the Problems of Perfection

How ironic. Even though I was sent a newsletter with a link to this article about perfectionism http://www.sedona.com/perfectionism-and-depression.aspx I did not read it until just now. But it perfectly relates to what I was saying about perfection in my previous blog post.

I like how it says to strive for your best, but not perfection. Or at least, that's the way I read it.

The link above, by the way, is from a site that promotes a great way for working through negative beliefs/thoughts. I don't use that method much anymore as I found I like The Work better. But I'd still recommend it and I do use it still now and then.

The Problems of Perfection

I've been wanting to explore the world of collage art for quite awhile now. I've done just a couple things, like the little wallpaper and bingo card pockets I made awhile back ago. And this one shown here done even before the bingo card pockets. But I didn't get too creative or daring with them. I'm holding back. Intimidated by putting something together. Afraid I won't create anything near like the examples of collage art that I've been seeing on the Internet that I have liked so much. And mostly I'm afraid of wasting my materials...that if I create something I don't like I'll wish that I could reuse the materials in another way. But once the paper and bits and bobs are glued, pasted, painted, etc. in place, there's not much chance of them being used again.

So I have these vintage wallpapers, flash cards, old dictionaries that are falling apart, and lots of other things that would be so good for collage art, that are just sitting around waiting...waiting for me to get a clue that I should not be so scared of messing up. It's a game, it's being playful. It is not about perfection. Whenever I get worried about perfection is when I give up. I slam the door almost always when I know I cannot do things perfectly. I'm not as bad about this as I used to be...but I'm still strongly held back by this. Even if I am just doing something solely for myself. Perfection inspires some to strive for and fulfill their dreams...perfection for me though...perfection makes me a quitter.

Zig Ziglar has a quote, “Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly until you learn to do it well.” That quote has helped free me a bit from paralyzing perfection...the kind of perfection that brings you to the point that you become paralyzed by the wish for it. I had found only two "cures" to that paralyzing perfection. Quit and turn around and distract yourself from what you really want. Or just say, Screw perfection...I'm going to have fun with it and do a poor job...because that's better than doing nothing at all.

I envy those who are motivated and propelled forward by their desire for perfection. But as for me, since that doesn't seem to be an option, I'll propel myself forward with every bit of my imperfection. After all, I am inspired by imperfect things and styles such Shabby Chic, and wabi sabi. And the classic children's book The Velveteen Rabbit where a well loved stuffed animal with its nose rubbed off and its fur all worn discovers it's being loved is more important than being all shiny and perfect.

And collage art itself hardly looks like it is about perfection. It's messy and crazy and eclectic...a lot like me.

I'd rather abandon perfection for something more authentic...something that is more like me.

Now...if I can only remember that. If I can only let perfection fall to the floor, and let it shatter...and I'll pick it's shiny broken pieces up and use it to make a beautiful collage like mosaic that's inspired from my heart and my dreams...and not what I worry other people will think of me.

say...anything...something

All right, it has been almost a month since I last wrote anything so I figured I'd drop by, write a little...even if I have little say.

I am still uncertain whether the little store I've been working at will be staying open. Everything is up in the air.

I keep having weird dreams like I walk *through* a boulder with a door like center that's sort of like quartz that makes so my negative thoughts are taken away. Most of my life I have felt "stuck" and I think the dream signifies that I am starting to feel "unstuck" as a result of working through my negative thoughts.

I feel like major changes are going to be happening in my life sometime soon...I'm just not quite sure what.

I recently decided to try to make a digital collage sheet to sell on etsy. This is a digital picture of images that people can print to make their own collages for art, scrapbooking, etc. So using some old vintage images of French corsets I then created some manila mailing tag images and combined them together so it looks like what you see in the image below. I've sold about four of these so far...some on etsy.com and also on shophandmade.com. I just sold one on etsy last night and have to re-list it. The nice thing about it is I don't have to pack it and ship it. I just email it to the buyer...and they can print it as many times as they like. I think they look cool.

Transferring and Transforming

So lately there have been two main things I've been focusing on.
On the crafty, creative side I've been learning about various methods of transferring an image onto another surface. One method I've tried is simply to print your image onto regular tranparency sheet (like you use for overhead projectors) with an inkjet printer and let the ink dry. Then lay the image onto another surface, and like a rub on decal, use a spoon or popsicle stick to rub the ink onto the surface.

Another idea is to take a photocopy and then use some sort of solvent to transfer that image to something else, but again using elbow grease to rub the image on. Eh, but I don't like most solvents...unhealthy chemicals. So I found out that some people have sometimes successfully used Goo Gone...maybe it's unhealthy to some degree too, but not nearly as bad as xylene. So I tried that with some decent results. But then I read from some Australian site that eucalyptus oil could be used. So I got confused and was thinking that eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil were the same thing...so I tried tea tree oil and found it worked too! (And later read that others have used it as well.) The tea tree oil seemed to work somewhat better than the Goo Gone. And although I haven't tried it, apparently you can use wintergreen oil too for photocopy transfers. Of course, the ink that is used on the photocopy makes a big difference too in how well this will work.

I did this image transfer with a "collage" I made on the computer using a picture of a Victorian woman in a corset and holding a mirror and adding some wings to her. I added the phrase "True Beauty...Is Found Within." The transfer didn't work so well. I was trying the photocopy and Goo Gone method. There were a lot of "swirls" that can't be seen. The face wasn't transferring at all so I put some tea tree oil on the face and so that part is pretty clear now. The rest of the paper was too messed up from rubbing it with a spoon to "save it" by using tea tree oil on the rest of it. Plus, my arms, wrists, and hands were getting tired from holding the paper and rubbing vigorously with a spoon. My left arm and wrist still hurt somewhat even as I type this. But still, I am pretty satisfied with how it turned out. I like it on the rose fabric too.

The other thing I've been focusing on lately is dealing with negative thoughts about my junior high and high school years. This has recently become a necessity because lately just about everyone I know on Facebook and other social websites I belong to is reminiscing about the "good ol' days." And it is not really exaggerating when I say that when they do I have frequently come close to bawling with sorrow or screaming with resentment and rage. It has become hard to remain in denial any longer about how I really felt about those days. I made it through that time perioud by emotionally numbing myself and drowing myself in books.

I know other people had it worse than me back then, but still my own hurt and anger won't be denied anymore. Which is no doubt a good thing. It's time to heal. It may hurt to face it, but it hurts more and slowly poisons me to let it linger...slowly suffocating me as it has over the years. In the past it has always been a dull ache. Bringing it to the surface is sharp and fierce, but facing it is the only way to take it out completely and finally be free of all pain once and for all.

As I transfer images from paper or plastic onto fabric and other surfaces, I think about the images in my mind...the images from high school and junior high school.

I told Asher once that the only way to change the past is to change how you view it. Slowly but surely I am changing how I view my past. So the images transform from something once painful and instead into something that can inspire me and give me strength and courage. Instead of seeing my school years as a time where I was in heartbreaking desolate aloneness, I can instead see myself as safely cocooned until I was ready to start emerging. For honestly, I don't think I was very ready to be engaged socially and otherwise with my peers. And it really probably was kinder for me to not be going to all the parties and dances and proms and other such things when I was so inadequately unprepared for that kind of thing, even though I wished for it and wish for it still.

As I continue to work through the negative thoughts I'm sure I will continue to see the wisdom and find peace in learning and knowing that the way things were then were exactly how they were meant to be in order me to have grown into the very person I am now. My books and imagination fed me and nurtured me during those years. My "numbness" was my "sleep" during that time of "cocooning." And that is a more loving way to view things.

A favorite quote of mine has long been this one by Anais Nin, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." But sometimes I forget that there was a time that I had to remain tight in a bud, or there never could have been a time to blossom. To everything there is a season.

So I am grateful that something has conspired to have everyone seemingly start reminiscing about that time period all at once. Because it has been a great opportunity to look back at the memories that reside within myself in a new more loving way.

True beauty is found when you search within.

My day today

Ah. Despite a bad start to the day because my vehicle wouldn't start so I was ten minutes late to work...Today was a great day for sales at the store I work at and where I sale stuff on consignment too. The morning was busy with customers. I sold lots of suitcases of mine to a lady who like me is a suitcase fanatic. I still have a fair amount of suitcases left though.

Other customers also bought a lot of other bits and bobs of mine. As well as buying lots of other stuff from other consignor's there too.

So it was quite a very pleasantly surprising good day of sales. I hope for some more like that.

When things got slow I took a moment to goof off by putting on this adorable vintage hat that is for sale there now and taking a pic. It's not the most flattering picture, but decent.
You can also see my fingerless gloves that I wear because my hands are always cold. They're smudged with dirt from the vintage and antique things in the store. It always seems clean in the store...until I start moving things around.

But I didn't goof around for long. With all the stuff that sold I had to find new places for all the things that were displaced.

I had a fun day.

I Wish It Would Rain Down...

Maybe it's a funny to thing to remember in the beginning of February when it's still cold in Utah and there is snow on the ground outside...but my thoughts are drawn now to times I would go out and dance in the rain in the spring and summer.

I remember times when in the middle of the night I would realize it was raining. And I'd open my basement window, push out the screen, and crawl out onto the wet grass. And there in the backyard, in bare feet and wearing a nightgown, I would dance and spin as the rain came down.

It was my moment of freedom, my moment of solace, my moment of being absolutely true to me. No cares in the world, no worries about what other people were thinking of me. It was just me with the night and the rain and the grass. I belonged there.

There was only one time I can recall where I did not dance in the rain by myself. And that was with my friend Kim (and a guy named Todd?). I don't know how it started, but I somehow suspect I was actually the instigator. I know I was at Kim's house with a bunch of her friends and the rain was pouring down outside. In fact there was rain and thunder too. Somehow Kim and I ended up on her lawn in the pouring rain while the rest of our friends watched on, questioning our sanity. The gutter was flooding with water and we splashed around in it, soaking our jeans. Rain glistened in our hair and on our skin. At last we had enough of our fun and walked up to the porch. I still remember the way her mom looked in shock as she opened the door and saw her daughter, and as she stammered in an almost child like voice, "K-Kimmy, you're-you're all wet! I-I-I don't like it!" I thought it was too funny.

That night is probably one of my favorite memories I have with a friend. Again in that moment I had no cares in the world and no worries about what other people were thinking of me. I knew they thought I was crazy and I didn't care. I was in love with life and that one other person was sharing that joy with me. We had joy and fun and total freedom. We belonged in that moment to the rain and the night and the lightning and thunder. We belonged not to others good opinions of us...but we were in a place, a moment, of belonging.

I want to remember that I don't need rain to obtain those kinds of moments again. It is not something that comes with the change in the weather...it comes from a place from within.

Let the rain fall down
Everywhere around you
Give into it now
Let the day surround you
You don't need a reason
Let the rain go on and on

Tuesday's Projects

I went back to being creative and making things again.

Tuesday's project was making a pair of yoga pants (long shorts) based on this tutorial here. I made mine out of a large D.A.R.E. t-shirt. Not bad considering I was very confused most of the time. I want to do another pair...and have it come out better than these. The t-shirt was a bit warped from being washed, so I had to "make it work." (I so will never be on Project Runway to hear Tim Gunn say those words to me personally.)

But they're kinda cute, neh? And they're my first real t-shirt reconstruction project. And a somewhat complicated one (for me) at that.

After that the nerdy, but still creative, side of me came out. And I hopped onto the computer and made a virtual reality 3d soda bottle with a 3d creation program called Blender. It needs some tweaking (for one thing it goes through the hand of the avatar/person holding it). I could make it an object that just sits on a table. But it's not bad considering a year ago when I tried to use Blender I could not make heads or tails of the program and truly felt like my brain had been blended when I tried to use it.

And that sums up my creative endeavors for the day.

Keeping Your Keys Covered

I've just been making two kinds of covers for keys.

First I was looking at those plastic covers that covers the top of the keys. And I started to wonder if I could make some myself. When I saw some that were made of leather stitched together I knew it could be done, so I made two practice versions made of felt. They need some adornment, but they turned out well enough...and very simple to make.

The next one is a key cozy. I saw some on a Japanese crafting website and thought it was pretty interesting. So I decided to make my own, but again I turned to using felt to make it easier.

I don't know how the Japanese use these, but this could be worn as a "necklace" or around your wrist, or loop around your purse handles...or just toss in your bag.

I posted a how to tutorial on how to do the key cozy here.

Lamp Revolution Evolution

So one of the thrift stores in town is closing until they can find another place (probably looking for more affordable rent). Although I rarely find anything to purchase there I thought I'd check it out since things were on sale. I thought I was going to leave with only a packet of vintage trim for sewing, when I suddenly spied this floor lamp in a jumble of junk in a corner. (I wish I had a better picture of it from the side.)

I snagged it for $1. Now honestly I'd be scared to try to use it for a lamp. So thankfully that isn't what I intended to use it for. I removed the cord. And I tried to remove the area that the light bulb and lampshade would go into...but it wouldn't co-operate so I left if for now. I may try to remove it again later if I can think of a way to do it so it will look less like a lamp.

Because now...it is a place to hang skirts and shirts that we have in the store. It's too short for the dresses and nighties. But it helps out a lot. And hopefuly it's unique in a good way?

Sneeze Some Happiness On Me!

One of my sister's was telling me about this study she read about while in the doctor's waiting room. Basically it said that happiness could just be a bit contagious. http://articles.latimes.com/2008/dec/05/science/sci-happy5

The study found that knowing someone who is happy makes you 15.3% more likely to be happy yourself. If your friend has a happy friend it increases your odds of happiness by 9.8%, and even your neighbor’s sister’s friend can give you a 5.6% boost.

Shigehiro Oishi, a University of Virginia psychologist who studies the causes and effects of well-being, said the importance of geography was a profound finding. Although we are connected with friends and family members who live far away via cellphone and the Internet, these results indicate that there is nothing like a face-to-face interaction,” Oishi said. “We are told to get connected by cellphone companies, but in order to get connected you really have to live close by and interact face to face.”

They say they don't understand the reasons why you might be more likely to be happy if your friends and family are. But I personally believe that a happy friend can effect our thinking in positive ways. We might for example think, "If they can have fun and be cheerful during hard times maybe I can too." "Seeing them be happy reminds me to not take life so seriously." Or, "They have such confidence in me that I can follow my dreams...maybe they're right." And so on.

While I've basically been a loner most of the time and not hung out with happy friends that much I think I caught a teeny little bit of the happiness bug from exposure through reading books and listening to audio books of happy and positive people such as Zig Ziglar, Brian Tracy, Tony Robbins, Iyanla Vanzant, and tons of others in the "self-improvement" or positive thinking, etc. field.

But still I frequently lack that face to face connection that would increase my chances of exposure to this happiness bug.

You know probably the best way to catch anything contagious is to hang around a group of pre-schoolers. And since they seem to be a pretty happy bunch I bet they're just full of the "happiness bug." ;)

Pillowcase Skirts - Re-do and Vintage Dress

My pictures of the pillowcase skirts I made and of the vintage dress were so bad I decided I had to take advantage of the somewhat warmer weather and redo them. So the mannequin and I went outside (this time she was wearing a cropped tank top of mine that I used to wear when I did kickboxing that I had forgotten about) and had a little photoshoot. The pics still aren't great, but are an improvement.

Since pics on etsy work best if the pictures are square as the thumbnails are automatically cropped to a square shape, I decided to fill in a lot of the extra space on the sides with text and such. And it was fun to be a little more artistic by doing that...it reminds me a bit of a pic in magazine this way...although I guess it's really not.

If you look close you may see the wall looks a little funny because I fudged that with The GIMP (a program similar to PhotoShop)...the wall isn't that big in real life, so it was duplicated in order to help make the image square and not a rectangle.

I didn't do that with the picture of the vintage dress though. I do have another picture of it close up that is cropped to a square though, so at least that one shows up to better advantage on etsy.

But overall the lighting is better. And the background is better sort of (you can see the light colored fabric better against this blue than you could against the white I used before)...and it looks kind of rustic rather than like just blah regular walls with some patches of paint that does not quite match (which I never really noticed until I photographed the wall).

Hopefully it will help these items sell faster.

So that's what I did today. Fun. Now I'm off to a meeting I'd rather not go to, but I'll be dutiful and go do it anyway.

She's creepy...really creepy...but cute stuff follows...

I bet you didn't ever suspect that I have been keeping a body without arms and legs stuffed in a black plastic bag hidden away in a storage unit. Okay, so the body is just a mannequin. But a pretty creepy mannequin at that.

This may have been a better post for Halloween. But I brought the body out for the first time in over a year so I can take some pics of clothing items to sale on etsy.com.

I found this mannequin a few years about for $7.50 (I remember because the price tag is still on the back of her head) at the Catholic Thrift Store in town. She's not in the best condition. And her head had been painted white. And someone had also painted make-up and eyes on her with things like finger nail polish. So she was very garish and even more creepy than she is now. Well she looks most creepy when in the garbage bag. So maybe she wasn't as creepy back then.

I got her so I could use her to sell clothing on eBay (which I've only done a few times). Someday I plan to paint her, or maybe decoupage her with something like old dictionary pages (she'd be a smart mannequin then)...but I'll wait until warmer weather to do that.

In the meantime, I'll dress her up in pretty, floral skirts that remind me of spring.

If I put a shirt on her it hides the skirt that I'm trying to photograph, but being a little prudish I couldn't leave her top half naked, so I put one of my old bras on her (she fills it out better than I do). But I'm not being so prudish that I'm being embarrassed to show my bra to everyone on the internet here on a mannequin. Go figure. (Will future employers find this someday and hold it against me?)

So these are some pillowcase skirts I made that I just listed at my etsy shop. The pictures are terrible, but they're better than the first ones I took (the macro was turned on so the first were blurry).

My favorite shown here is the one with the little blue flowers. I'll be listing one more pillowcase skirt tomorrow (which is the prettiest one, pink, romantic, and girly it is). And also I will be listing a couple vintage things I have that I've decided to let go of (a quaint empire waisted dress and a sexy nighty).

Well, wish me luck that these will sell.

To See, Even In This, Light

Tonight I was working through one of my negative thoughts with one of my friends. I say work "through" because it seems at times as if I go through it, and it's over, I've traveled past, it is no more.

So afterwards I wrote down about how peaceful I felt. And then these words came to me, asking me to write them down (that experience you hear writers speak of so often, that the words, or the character, or story "asks" to be written down)....so here they are...

"When I want peace I look to my negative thoughts...I bring light to them and expose them as the lies they really are...and a lie exposed to light can only transform into truth and become light."

This is probably the most peaceful thought that I ever wrote in my entire life.

In science they have learned that energy can never be destroyed. It can only be transformed into something else, such as another type of energy or into matter, for example.

I believe our thoughts and emotions are energy too. And they cannot be destroyed...they can only be transformed into something other than what they were before. So many times healing doesn't take place because we are taught that things like hurt and anger are bad so we push it down and hide (because we don't know what else to do with it) and we pretend that it is no longer there. "I'm fine. I don't care." So I find it magical during those times when I can bring that hurt or anger forward into the light, and bring love to it, breathe onto it to bring the spark and glow of love that is hidden inside into a small ember. To see it transform, for the light to grow and transform and become larger. To become hope, a seed of hope, and then to grow into love.

Mmm...mixing metaphors. I'm tired and it must be time to sleep...a warm, peaceful sleep.

Game of Love?

Today I tried my hand at creating my first downloadable, digital collage art sheet for people to use in their art collage, scrapbooking, cardmaking, etc. and try to list it for sale at etsy.com and shophandmade.com. I priced it for a teeny bit less at shophandmade since they don't charge me anything to list with them (for now anyway).

The idea for it is based on some vintage Bingo cards I have. But instead of saying Bingo, these say LUCKY, DREAM, ADORE, and SWEET on them instead of BINGO. All four "cards" come on one jpg image 8 1/2 by 11 inch in size.

Kinda cute, neh? Would be nice for Valentine's Day maybe. I'll have to try making some altered art collage or something with them myself.

I have some ink jet transparency sheets that are meant to be used with overhead projectors. I'm thinking of maybe printing this out onto that and doing something creative that way. But I don't know for sure what I'll do. But whatever it is, it will be ingenious, I tell you, or my name isn't Ebenezer...uhm, well my name isn't that...never mind.

From Weirdness to Healthness

Once upon a time I got sick with mono. And for quite awhile after that (for a few months) I would often wake up and be so physically exhausted and in pain (feeling like I'd been hit by a large truck) that I would literally wonder how I was going to get out of bed just so I could pee. (You become determined enough that you decide to crawl, and you do it slowly.) And I've never been the same since.

When you are someone who begins to have weird health problems that the medical community seems unable to help you with you start being willing to try weird things to get better. It's an act of desperation. It's an act of courage. Sometimes it's an act of faith. It's an act that can also give you empowerment as you take control of your health rather than handing it over to someone else (aka the doctors or anyone else you may have given it over too...including some quacks who got you to try some "bad" weird things for your health). And surprisingly some of these "weird" things actually help where the medical field could not.

Right now I am drinking "flax seed tea." I have no idea whether it will help, but it certainly won't hurt. I haven't strained the flax seeds out, so some of the seeds float to the top as I drink...the heated water has made them slippery. And I am doing some chewing of slippery seeds as well as sipping "tea."

Okay, a lot of the things that I have tried to improve my health that have actually helped really aren't that weird. Improving my nutrition has helped dramatically. Things like taking extra zinc, magnesium, vitamin C, etc. have had amazing results. So it's only kind of weird in that your doctor probably isn't going to tell you to take these things for things like anxiety, sleep disorders, muscle ache, etc. But they might.

I did try a "cleansing program" from Isagenix (yes, the same program which bestselling authors that Jack Canfield of Chicken Soup for the Soul fame and John Gray of Men are from Mars, Women from Venus fame are big advocates of), which always induced what is known in alternative medicine as a "healing crisis" (a sort of "you temporarily get worse right before you get better). And I realized if I were to be on a cleansing program I needed to be on a gentler one. But I have stuck with their "meal replacement drink" because it is so chockful of nutrients that really seem to benefit me. This is what "saved me" and made so I was finally able to get out of my bed after my bout with mono. And everytime I stopped taking their drink (or something equivalent to it in the kinds of vitamins and minerals it has) my health would take an immediate nosedive, almost back to how it was when I first got so sick I could barely move and get out of bed.

I try to get "friendly bacteria" such as lactobacillus acidophilus from things like yogurt...yogurt is considered more normal than it used to be. So in order to be more weird I will also consume such things as Kefir. I also found a really great tasting mint-chocolate bar that has probiotics in it and no milk/dairy. I've even dared try kombucha on a couple occasions. *shudders just a little*

I've done yoga and seen chiropractors and got some good results by doing these. I've learned a little about Ayurveda (the traditional medicine from India) and will do a sort of self massage called abhyanga which is surprisingly very helpful to me and so I should do it more often.

One of the weirdest things I have done that I swear actually helps me is called oil swishing, where you basically swish something like sesame seed oil in your mouth like mouth wash...but for twenty long minutes. I'll be the first to admit that it's really weird. But hey, if it works for me then it's worth it. (I can't believe it does all the things that many people claims it does...but I can't know that it doesn't either.) Almost all oils have anti-bacterial properties (some even have anti-viral properties) which may be one of the reasons why it helps.

Not everything I've done I've done has been on the physical level though either. Some of it has been more on the mental level. I've done hypnosis, visual relaxation techniques, positive affirmation, writing in a journal. Awhile back I started doing something to release negative thoughts/feelings called the Sedona Method which then led to my doing a method called The Work which has led to amazing transformations emotionally and mentally...which then has had an effect on me physically. Letting go of the mental stress (or having the mental stress let go of me) has resulted in my muscles letting go of years of habitual tension. Which frees up so much energy that I'm less tired and able to do other things.

I take time to research the things I try...especially the weirder ones...for things like safety and effectiveness.

It's been an interesting experience over the years, learning and trying new things. Seeing what works and what doesn't. And experience how amazing it is to find something that actually improves my level of health.

I still am not "normal" but I am better. And I believe I am continuing to climb up to better levels. I've always been sick my entire life...for example as a child sore throats were often something I experienced for a week or two almost every month. But it wasn't until I was practically incapacitated in my adult years that I realized how much I took health for granted. I wonder if someday I'll truly experience "good health." But I'm learning to at least appreciate and even enjoy the journey, even if I never completely arrive at that particular destination.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These...

When I feel blue, looking at something such as these fabric bolts that I took a picture of from a local store gives me a sense of serenity. I'll browse through blogs, online stores, or home decor magazines for pictures that evoke the same feeling that these do for me. The light pinks and blues, the florals, the toiles...all evoke a tender, sweet, longing, yearning inside me that is somehow comforting.

It makes me feel somewhat like I imagine it would be to float in the clouds and sky. Angelic maybe. All I know it I look at such things and feel peaceful and pure and sweet.
These colors and patterns of stripes and florals, this is heaven to me.

This makes me feel that I am somewhere close to my "house of belonging." The house of belonging is a Celtic metaphor for the body of the soul, or "the deep peace and feeling of safety, joy and contentment found in intimate connections with people, places, and houses." (quoted from Sarah Ban Breathnach.)

Poet John O'Donahue says, "When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. You are warm and sheltered. You are completely at one in the house of your own longing and belonging."

I guess these things are reminders to me, calling me to remember to come home to the house of my own longing and belonging.

So Fake...

I've been thinking a lot about how it seems more and more common for people, especially girls, to accuse others of being "fake" and to be really ticked off at others for being fake.

When I first started hearing girls calling others "fake" if you were to ask me if I thought I was fake I would have thought, "No I'm not fake." But through self-reflection, digging down and examining my thoughts, and scrutinizing my motivations and intentions for why I do certain things...I'd have to be honest and say...yes, I am fake.

I always knew I wasn't being fully "authentic" or "true to myself" but never equated that with being fake...but if you aren't being authentic or true to yourself...then how can you be anything else but fake?

So I wanted to write a funny and entertaining account about how I've begun to realize how fake I also can be....but as I tried to give examples of ways I've realized I can be fake it only began to deteriorate into a "poor me" and "pity me" kind of thing. :)

Hearing me whining about something I am the cause of isn't very entertaining. Well, I can't promise to be entertaining, but at least I won't whine (much).

Basically it boils down to this...

Underneath a sweet, nice, quiet girl image that I apparently subconsciously like to project (although I probably at times make the conscious decision to be that way too)...I am selfish, loud, and overtly obnoxious and extremely annoying.

I do *a lot* of things subconsciously to hide the fact that I am obnoxious and annoying. In fact, deep down I feel I could just be the most obnoxious and annoying person you have ever met. If you know me you have probably caught glimpses of my obnoxious self, but you may have little inkling to the true extent of my obnoxiousness.

I also have a secret longing to be loud. Very loud. I'm louder than I used to be. But there have been many occasions that I spoke so softly no one ever heard a word I said, all in order to project a nice girl image. Being loud relates to the obnoxious and annoying aspect of me that I hide with my fake self. Oh how I long to let loose and just be one of the loudest and most obnoxious people you have ever met.

Another thing I've discovered that I hide with my fake self is I am a jerk.

I discovered this in what I think is an interesting way. I've heard it said that if there is something you dislike about someone, it's probably something you dislike about yourself that you are not admitting to. But also that if there is something you admire about someone, that it is probably something about yourself you have not yet discovered.

So, there was this guy I kept being attracted to. Handsome, and overall a good guy....but I also kept being really annoyed by him at times, thinking, "This guy can really be a jerk!" So I decided to use this as an opportunity for self-discovery and self-improvement and tried to see where I too was being a jerk to others and didn't like that about myself. But I wasn't really getting anywhere, although doing this sort of exercise has helped me a lot in the past to diffuse negative feelings. Until it finally dawned on me that this was something I secretly was *admiring* about this guy...not something I entirely disliked. Part of me was actually Jealous that this guy was so comfortable about being a jerk.

A part of me would like to discard my carefully constructed"nice girl" image (which is not to say "who I a really am" is a mean girl, but I do subconsciously put on an exaggerated nice girl act) and not go through the anxiety of having to watch every single word I say, not tiptoe around other people's feelings at the expense of my own, to not worry that my sense of humor is going to offend someone, etc, etc, etc.

And gosh darnit, I'd really like to stop hiding the selfish aspect of myself. To stop feeling like if I eat a second helping of at dinner or having a second piece of desert that everyone is going to be mad at me, and cry endlessly at my utter selfishness.

So when you look at me, please be aware that I too am fake. It's not just those girls you see on America's Next Top Model that try to fervently point out how fake the other is, while never recognizing how they behave in the exact same manner. Or those high school girls that you look back upon in your memory with hurt in your heart. Or those guys you've dated over the years (or if you're a guy, the girls you dated). I'm as fake as any of them. The only difference may be that I am telling it to you straight, rather than insisting I am not.

They say the first step to changing any problem is to admit to it. So there it is. And hey, I did it with only a little bit of whining about poor me. ;)

Maybe the next time we meet I'll be a little less fake. And maybe you'll be willing to put up with some of my obnoxiousness, because at least it will be authentic.

New Year's Day Transformations

So today one of my sister's and I continued the theme of New Year's day being one of change by playing a unique board game called The Transformation Game. This is a game that helps you gain insight, solve problems, reflect, and so on. You start the game by choosing an issue in your life that you want to focus on, whether it be relationships, finances, your spiritual growth, etc. This becomes your "playing focus." And as you play you draw cards that may say various things and you ponder how it may relate to your playing focus.

I was really sleepy, so I didn't get as much from it today as I have from other times. But still I received some insight as I pondered over things. It's a fun way to look at your troubles as it puts it into a game format, so they don't seem quite so intimidating as they otherwise might. And it's really interesting what associations your mind can come up with when faced with some words a card drawn at random gives you. It's a creative process that unblocks you from the stuck thinking you've been in.

I believe there are actually "life coaches" out there who use this game as a tool to help their clients achieve their goals.

We also ate pizza and more Hagen Daz ice cream and cherry limeade soda. I think I consumed more sugar yesterday and today than I did at Christmas.

Anyway, it's been a good start to a New Year.

New Year's Eve Contemplations

New Year's Eve in the past few years for me has become a time of quiet reflection. With a pint of Hagen Daz, a notebook and pen, a scented candle, and the daybook Simple Abundance I celebrate quietly and contentedly. I begin by reading the first couple pages of Simple Abundance.

It begins with a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke,
"And now let us welcome the New Year
Full of things that have never been."
And under the entry of January 1st the author, Sarah Ban Breathnach writes, "...learn to embrace the gentle yearnings of your heart...instead of resolutions write down your most private aspirations. Those longings you have kept tucked away until the times seems right. Trust that now is the time...discover day by day how to live them."

It's a good alternative to the usual resolutions that so often are not kept. To write of your dreams...with no feeling the need to kick yourself later for not "sticking to" those things you "should" be doing.

So as the hours got closer to midnight I wrote my thoughts down. What do I really long for? Could I admit it, if even only to myself?

One thing I discovered that I want for myself this year is to have a year of frivolity. Frivolity sounds so selfish. It's just not serious enough, and is too trivial. But I long for more of that frivolous, lighthearted, absolutely not essential, but just downright not taking life and myself so seriously. To be more playful and engage in delightful whimsy. Like having a spring or summer picnic amongst the wild flowers, while wearing a white cotton dress and carrying a white lace parasol, and dancing and twirling around with the butterflies flying around. To let myself do so without worrying about what others think of my being so silly. To open my heart to the sunlight not just without, but also within. That, to me, sounds truly freeing. That sounds like a fresh new year full of things that have never been to me.